I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
