3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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