She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
