i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
