I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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