who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
