i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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