summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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