Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His nipple licking is glorious
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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