i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When did angry sex become our thing?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
