Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize