Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
