So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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