The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
