My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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