She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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