I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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