Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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