WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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