The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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