Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You are a genius and a whore.
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