i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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