i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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