It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
