Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Randomize
