I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sorry about my life...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
