i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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