i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
