Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
