ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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