I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
