i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
