His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
