i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
