Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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