Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
