You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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