I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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