somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
