I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
