May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
soo... how was my night?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
