Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
