then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
