I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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