My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
