Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
