how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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