I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
