Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
