I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
