I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize