I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
