I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
