Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And then my night got REAL pukey
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
