1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
