just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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