i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
