she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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