Im at strip club and am horny
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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