so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
