At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
