Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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