You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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